January 4, 2009
- As long as you see it as broken… -
It will remain broken.
And I’m tired of it.
A quick note for “future generations”, I’ve been meditating pretty seriously for the past few months and have had a lot of good come from it, the (relative) productivity on this site is just one example. Recently though, this past week, I seem to have hit the wall. I feel under an immense pressure to concentrate but cannot easily do so, and have been going through some pretty intense emotional lows as well.
Towards evening today, I was able to sit and concentrate (seems to work better for me in cold, dark places, ie: the stairwell in my building) and I felt some sort of something pulled out, or through, or maybe some kind of connection made between things in what (in Zen Buddhism, at least) is called the hara (a point about 3 finger widths below your navel). There was a feeling of recognition between my desires and my intellect, or my guts and my brain, that hadn’t really been there before. The pressure released, and that relief felt joyous. But soon I was back inside, so was the pressure and tension, and that connection seemed to fade back into it.
I’ve long felt that I should be doing something more, or something else, or something better with my life, but I always put it off. Well, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of telling myself that my life would be better some other way. If part of me wants to bitch and moan about things, I’m going to make it keep bitching and moaning until it decides to actually tell me what it wants, instead of just telling me what it doesn’t. Some more intensive meditation is order, I believe. Luckily, the Zen temple I attend is having an all-day (10 hour) sit next weekend. Consider me there.
Sounds dangerously close to a New Year’s resolution, my friend. Tis the season for change, I suppose.
As long as you are honest with yourself and willing to (re)assess what you want and need out of this life, I think you can consider yourself in a good place. Too optimistic?
Comment by CJ — January 4, 2009 @ 9:51 pm
Thanks man. I need whatever optimism I can get, and that is a wonderful way of looking at it. I am not expecting it to be easy, but then, this kind of thing can’t be easy, by definition.
Comment by Ian — January 5, 2009 @ 9:53 am