It’s good that you point out: just because adventurous people usually tend to dominate more cautious people, it doesn’t necessarily mean that our “adventurous” part is always dominant over our “afraid” part. If our adventurous parts always dominated our cautious parts, we’d have no need for caution at all! Besides, sometimes it’s really good to be afraid.

(see if you can find this series of lectures, they’re really good, and have a lot to say on this topic. Seriously, I think you’ll like the guy. I would assume they’re available for download from somewhere…)

Also, I think is that this controller part organizes our other parts according to what we tell ourselves is important. We can control it, but it’s not always obvious the way our thoughts are connected to how our parts are organized.

But I do think that it is always with our best interests at heart:
http://www.physorg.com/news149345120.html

So then after I thought about this, I concluded that the “one in charge” is neither the part of me that is afraid nor a part that is adventurous but a part of me that puts parts of me in charge of things. There is a “chooser” that decided “Ok, we are going to give into the anxiety” so then anxiety is in charge. If the chooser decided to go with adventure, then the adventurer would be in charge.

The “chooser” has a desire for continuity, though. You know, like Stasis, equilibrium etc. So it may have a tendency to choose what it is used to. So you can develop habits based on what aspect of yourself you have listened to in the past.

One thing I realized though is to be careful who you bounce things off of for feedback. Because most people choose to obey their anxiety over their sense of adventure. That seems to be the rule. Plus people have different make ups. They may not have as big of an adventurous side or none altogether.

Plus, no one will advise you to go on a crazy adventure. People that go on adventures must be self starters.

There’s a lot in that short paragraph that it would do me well to pay attention to. Resentment, being stuck but safe, and the idea of freedom killing both the stuckness and the know safety…

Go for it. Worst case scenario, you’re just as unhappy somewhere else, but at least you’ll have consciously chosen to make a change for the better. That’s a good habit to get into.

I got some more insight into this over the weekend. Part of the problem was that I don’t like Madison. But I was afraid to leave. It doesn’t really matter why I don’t like it. I explored that question but it was a distraction. The question was, being single and not really tied down, If I don’t like Madison, why stay? The point is I was afraid to head off into the unknown and leave all the security. The security and maybe even the misery of not liking it.

This fearful part wasn’t really my personality, but it was a sentient kind of shadow aspect. So I had all this resentment about Madison. Because I resented being too afraid to leave. I had contempt for the place so I never put down roots, and so I spent all my time online or reading books or maybe camping up North a few times a year. Also blowing money on luxury items and gourmet food was an escape too. So that kept me from saving money.

I think this dynamic started in high school and was reinforced in the Army. The idea of being trapped and day dreaming as an escape. The reality of being able to do whatever you want “kills” this resentful daydreaming aspect and it doesn’t want to die.

That’s my take on it. Thanks for helping me process.

As for fear being what stops us from manifesting, I think what you’re talking about is a good example of the kind of thing that I’m exploring. You have these two things that can’t manifest together at the same time: being a mountain man hermit type, and wanting to be recognized and not live in obscurity. In this case, the two things aren’t even unconscious, you seem to know full well that they’re incompatible.

So if you keep trying to slam these two things together, when you yourself already feel that they’re complete opposites, you’ll just continue to end up exactly like you say: “semi broke and living in a semi urban area…(not) really fulfill(ing) anything.” That’s exactly it! You’ve got these two things pulling you in opposite directions, and so you’re stuck in the middle, with no ability to move, with neither goal being accomplished.

If you can untangle exactly what it is that you want from achieving these things, and bring the two desires into closer alignment, you might be able to get them to carry you somewhere good! Think of the chariot tarot card. Two horses are pulling you in opposite directions, canceling each other out, but if you can reign them in and give them a common goal, they could both work in your favor. It’s like the alchemical union of opposites, on a more personal level for you.

Chances are you’ll have to rethink what you want and why you want it, which could be difficult (it usually has been for me anyway!). But what you’ve been doing has just left you stuck anyway, like you say, so why not make some changes and figure out exactly what it is that you can do that would make you happy?

And anyway, Colorado sounds like a good idea towards that end. Lots of nature and civilization close by each other there, plus you have a lot of spiritual type people, what with all the Integral people, and Naropa as well. Should be a good place for exploring art.

I would love to see you get the blog back up again, but definitely don’t do it until you’re already on your way. Then it’ll be a compliment to the journey, rather than just getting in the way.

Anyway, I can see that, fear keeping you from manifesting.

I have this weird conflict about moving to Alaska. On the one hand I am drawn to the wilderness. Its The only real wilderness left in the United States. For example there is only one place in the lower 48 more than 10 miles from a road. Thats only a day hike from civilization. Its in Wyoming. To me that means there really isn’t any wilderness here. I come up against that realization whenever I camp anywhere. I hike through a park and I always come to the end of it too soon or see too many people.

On the other hand I fear being broke and living in obscurity for the rest of my life. I fear I would just be like a hermit or something and spend all my time hanging out alone in the Wilderness like a Mountain man.

I want money and recognition. But with that, I fear having to do stuff I don’t like like spending lots of time in an office setting or something.

So these two fears kind of canceled each other out and kind of left me semi broke and living in a semi urban area for the last three years, which didn’t really fulfill anything.

Thats why I deleted my blog, because it was the high point of my life. I wanted something better. I felt I was living too vicariously online. Actually, it was nice having it. It was nothing against anybody. I liked having discussions. But I wanted more than it was providing.

But I am kind of getting over this. Deleting my blog helped me start sketching again and that opened up some space and now I am moving to Colorado to focus on Art, and I can hike up in the Mountains whenever I want.