Reclusland

One a round trip bus trip from New York to anywhere in the US.  Only a weekend trip.  Me and two friends (the FedEx Guy from work and my friend Frank from grade school.  Double F’s?), trying to decide where to go.  I suggest New Orleans, but then remember that it’s a mess.  My second suggestion is Memphis for the Blues (Beale Street).  We decide to go away to pack and decide later.

Later I am explaining about it while on a amusement park ride with my family. We all go to get off the ride, and my plans are to go pack (afterwards, this seems like a situation where I was having empty fun when I should have been doing something else, due to familial obligations…  Let the dead bury the dead…)  But my mom can’t get out of her seat and gets locked back into the ride (not to imply that she’s going around again, just that we have to wait for her to figure it out.  I get frustrated and do not stop or turn back.  I continue walking out of the amusement park.  Seems to be a sign that I can walk away if I think it is warranted.

Then, 2 hours of meditation this morning.  Once I get deeply into it, I have a couple of chakra experiences.  First the root chakra seems to stir, but no major effects or visions.  Second, the second chakra seems to have a feeling of welling up from below, as water seeping upward from underground.  It breaks the surface and I am filled with a pleasant tingling sensation in that area.  This was preceded by a feeling of tension and convulsions (minor) in that area.  Next, the third chakra, same tension and minor convulsions.  A feeling of an empty room that was barred by someone scared, but someone who is no longer (or never was) present.  A pressing need to break the door down from outside (police, knights, something is outside trying to get in).  I force myself to switch sides, to the side of the knights, long enough to allow the door to be broken down.  A feeling a warmth and tingling fill my upper abdomen.  The knights have entered and are happily abiding.  There is the feeling of a sun, but I have already implanted in myself an association of the third chakra with the sun, so it could just be suggestion, perhaps a slight corroboration, but just as likely my “conscious” mind (that lives off of memories and plans) struggling to catch up and claim credit for the event.  No reason it can’t be both, I supposed.

Then more tension and convulsions in my chest.  Slightly more intense, or a different vibrations.  It suggests more pain, although none of this is actually painful.  The feeling of a thin line being worked up into the heart.  Fear.  I imagine feathers coming from above and below the heart, tickling it lightly but just to relax it.  An implied association of softness and ease.  There follows a small flood of warmth, the feeling of flame and feathers mixing but not consuming.  Not a feeling of completion.  Will likely have to revisit this area.

Double F’s, flames and feathers in the heart… Strange.

Followed later by depression and angst at work.  Eventually worked out that these are useless and groundless feelings, as they do not suceed in creating anything in my other than stagnancy.  They are designed, on the surface, to make me move, but my actual response is stillness.  Will have to learn to communicate better internally…