March 23, 2009
- Focus -
Another thing I’ve been thinking about recently is focus and intent. I’ve been going through some rough shit, in my personal life, most of which I can attribute to an effort to re-engage my life. This blog’s a part of it, the zen practice is a part of it, and I’ve been trying to make other parts of my life fit into it too. Work, relationships, friendships (online and off). Everything.
What I’m looking for is this:
But more and more, what I’ve been going through feels like this:
So. Clearly something is still out of alignment, and I’m thankful that we’re built in such a way that when the wheels are out of alignment, they squeak. That way, we know where they are.
And this blog has been squeaking quite a bit lately. Not only do I find that I am rushing through posts, but I am not writing about the ideas that truly interest me. They’re around, some of them, saved as drafts or as collections of bookmarked links in various places, underlined passages in books, scribbles in notebooks. But I keep putting them aside for smaller pieces. Why? Because I’m too “busy”.
My mind is not focused on the blog, hasn’t been since the big organization post. Which is not to say I’m not proud of my other posts since then, but they are all diversions. There are issues I really want to get into here, but that I’m scared of picking up. I keep waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect time to really dig into the important stuff.
And it never comes.
And in fact, I am realizing that I never have time for the important stuff. That’s what happens when I think of something as important. It stops being real. Make something an absolute, and it’s really heard to find out where it begins…
Anyway, the long and short of it is that I am going to continue to post here, but it’s going to be a bit more sporadic. The focus will turn from consistent quantity towards consistent (I hope) quality. But first, I have to get this monkey mind of mine to sit down, shut the fuck up, and start doing what we both know we both want to be doing!
You need a shock.
Try backpacking across the country and almost drowning or something.
Seriously. Worked for me. Straight Gurdjieff. The law of seven. Not that I know where I am at now but at least one notch up.
‘course, you might already be more of a “good householder” than me already.
Comment by Ted — March 26, 2009 @ 10:55 am
Something wrong with my comment. Got cut off. Anyway, go for it! Go weird and deep. That way you can say something unique and real.
Its probably good stuff you are holding back.
Do the blogging equivalent of giving yourself a shock!
Comment by Ted — March 26, 2009 @ 11:00 am
Hey Ted! You’re back, was wondering where you’d gotten to.
And back in fine style as well; that’s an excellent point, some sort of shock is needed. I don’t know what, but I bet the universe will provide. Don’t think I can do it to myself.
The Gurdjieff connection hadn’t even occurred to me, don’t know why. This is definitely a “stuck at mi” kind of thing.
I will sit and wait patiently for a shock, and not give up and move to something else. Looking for some shocks, if they are indeed what I need… #prayercode
Comment by Ian — March 26, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
Btw, I have a new blog: http://blog.thegreenmarketstate.com/
I have a good feeling about this one being long term.
Comment by Ted — March 28, 2009 @ 2:54 pm
Sounds like you are going through a similar thing to me. Best of courage and fun.
I strongly disagree with the shock therapy, as you pointed out the wheels squeak to inform you about what needs to be addressed. There is no escaping, or shocking it out of existence. More and more I find that this whole trip is hugely about learning how to navigate it, not about going to a place where it becomes safe and painless.
Being mindful of bad shit happens to be as hard as it is permanently therapeutic.
Anyway, keep on writing and sorting shit out.
Comment by Pavel — April 2, 2009 @ 4:44 pm
its not shock therapy. Its a doctrine of Gurdjieff having to do with personal development. Gurdjieff would be the last person to tell people to avoid painful lessons in life and just seek comfort. The shock is a lesson that gets you to the next level.
Comment by Ted — April 2, 2009 @ 9:27 pm
My knowledge of Gurdjieff is pretty limited so I could have misunderstood your advice.
From what I understood of your advice, it appeared that you were advising Ian to do something unorthodox, unexpected and powerful in order to overcome the current difficulties he is facing. This is precisely shock therapy as it does not address the issues that it seeks to overcome, instead it temporarily changes focus onto other things than the problem.
I have used this tactic before and so have uncountable others. If you question people who have traveled with the aim of transcending their problems (ie. gap years, trips to India, retreats,…) you will generally find that they have had very intense experiences which gradually gave way to how things were before upon their return to old conditions and behavioural patterns. Nothing changed. It was just a trip.
The only way that these things can be tackled is if they are faced in their current state and condition. As they are.
You can’t change the plumbing in London by working on it in Kathmandu (even if in Kathmandu you happen to have access to tools that are twice the size of the ones you have in London).
Comment by Pavel — April 3, 2009 @ 6:51 am
Thanks Pavel and Ted, the good wishes are much appreciated. What I think I am going through is a reorganization of my reasons for this whole blogging thing. I got to a point where I was pushing harder and harder just to have something to post, and realized I was not focused on what I wanted to post. Something like that anyway.
But what this lead to, when I tried to figure out why I was doing this to myself, was the realization that I had been (subconsciously) using this blog, and the internet in general, as a way of pushing all the parts of my life out of view. If I focus on this one thing, everything else will just disappear, right? ;)
I was lucky to have my motives exposed to myself, in a way I could understand them, and I have been trying to recalibrate the spirit in which I do these things. Trying to oil the the squeaky dharma wheel and get it back into a more proper alignment, so to speak. Better integration of things spiritual and mundane, while not muddying the difference between those two poles.
As for Gurdjieff’s “shock treatment”, the way I look at it is more like a combustion engine. After a certain point, you just run out of energy internally, and you need something like a shock or a spark from outside to get things moving again in the right direction. This comes from Gurdjieff’s law of octaves, which you can find a brief description of here.
The day I wrote that response to Ted, I was feeling a bit nervous. You don’t ask the universe to give you a kick in the ass and not feel at least a bit scared of how that’s going to manifest, not if you’re honest with yourself. But I was standing in line at a store and realized how much tension this was building up in me, and I thought “Fine, whatever the universe sends me, I accept it”. This great sense of peace sort of settled around me, and I kind of thought “maybe this is the shock?”, because it was the last thing I expected. I’ve been waiting for that sense peace to fade back into tension, but it still seems to be there, sort of humming in the background… Who knows?
So yeah, Pavel, your condemnation of shock therapy as you describe it is spot on, I think. And the plumbing metaphor’s pretty great too. As Ted points out, one of Gurdjieff’s main teaching was that unconscious suffering is stupid, but conscious suffering is one of the best ways for spiritual growth. That’s exactly what you’re talking about, I think.
Anyway, I am still trying to put all this together, but I’m hoping to have a chance to sit down and start writing something new on Sunday. I might not finish it for a while, but I do expect some small things to come out in the meantime…
Comment by Ian — April 3, 2009 @ 9:02 am
And Ted, I like the new blog. Keep it up, and maybe delete some of the basic wordpress stuff, if you can. At least the first post that says “Hello World!”. I do like the color scheme though, nice attention to detail there. It fits the Green Market State idea quite well, I think.
Also, I hadn’t realized that backpacking trip and near drowning was a recent thing, I thought it was something from the past. Glad to hear you made it back OK!
Comment by Ian — April 3, 2009 @ 9:05 am
Sounds like you made sense of it all for yourself, congratulations and best wishes.
Also thank you for the Gurdjieff link.
Comment by Pavel — April 3, 2009 @ 3:06 pm
Well Pavel, its kind of funny because running off to California and getting a “shock” ended up bringing me right back here to Madison, WI, where I started from!
So maybe we both agree!
Anyway Ian good to see you back and thanks for checking out the blog.
Comment by Ted — April 3, 2009 @ 4:43 pm