April 22, 2009
- One last thing before I go -
As a sort of addendum to yesterday’s post, I’ve realized that there’s also a bit of false-pride involved in what I’m working through. Which seems counter-intuitive, I know. Yesterday I’m talking about overcoming an inherent sense of weakness, and today I’m saying just the opposite. Well, yeah. It confuses me too, but both are coming up as true whenever I consider them, so I’m hoping I can spend a little time here to work through this union of opposites.
What seems to be involved is a feeling that I have discovered something GOOD, or of having found a firm platform from which I can extend my thoughts (and my work). That is, a feeling that I am somehow (and I hate to say it, but I want to stay honest here) special, that I have something no one else does and that this makes me better than everyone. At the heart of it there’s the belief that every thought I have is important, or at least that my perspective is always a good perspective to have.
And just like I posted yesterday about weakness, this sense of specialness is not necessarily a false thing. But neither is it not something inherent in my self. If I’m going to say that there is no inherent weakness in my self, I’ll have to accept the flip side of that, that neither is there any inherent specialness or strength either. Maybe I’m good at some things. I’d like to think that I am, anyway. But that doesn’t make my self any more or any less than anyone else’s.
Both these feelings seem to come out from an underlying sense of fear-of-loss. If I see myself as inherently weak, I can hold on to that and label good things that happen as time when I was just lucky, or got something I didn’t deserve. If I see myself as inherently special, I can label times of failure as just glitches in the machine. But in either case I have a definition of “self” I can hold on to. The question is though, who’s holding on to that self?
And just to be clear, this is not stuff that I knew I was doing previously and am suddenly realizing is not such a good idea. That would make me an asshole. What I’m trying to capture here are realizations of subconscious programming that has been running in the background of my awareness for quite a long time, and which I am only now becoming aware of. The old saying, “knowledge is understanding of others, wisdom is understanding of one’s self” is slowly starting to make sense to me. As Voltaire said, we all need to “tend our gardens as best as we possibly can”, because we are the soil that gives birth to the goodness in this world. Keep wiping the mirror until there isn’t any room for dust…
Woke up this morning around 5:00, and it seemed as if I was back in my parents’ house. I could hear my mom talking to her parents on the phone in the next room. Nothing felt strange or at all out of the ordinary, even though I haven’t lived in that house for nearly 10 years. Laying there, I decided to concentrate on my ajna (third eye) chakra; it seemed like exactly the most natural thing to do. As my concentration settled in, I had the feeling of a metal band around my head. I didn’t worry, didn’t try to pull it off, just sat and was aware of it. Then my awareness gathered more centrally in my head and I felt this slow building of bliss from the center of my skull. It became stronger and stronger, but it never became unbearable. Very peaceful and a fast feeling of ease. Eventually it seemed to stabilize. I looked over at the clock and was suddenly back in my room in Brooklyn. No feelings of dislocation, as smooth a transition as I could have asked for. I rolled over and went back to sleep. But even now there is an ease and a sense of space in my head that weren’t there before.
I get the impression from different Buddhists online that there is just our “socially constructed personality” and then beneath that the void. I think we have more layers than that. I think people are more like an onion. I like Gurdjieff’s model of the “essence.”
How does that fit in? He also said something about two kinds of pride, or something like that. They are close together but one is god and the other bad.
Comment by Ted — April 22, 2009 @ 9:33 am
Dunno about Gurdjieff, I haven’t heard anything particular about pride yet, but I am no expert on Gurdjieff. I just find that what I have read of him is very useful.
as for onions and voids, I think it’s a matter of what you’re looking for. You can draw a sharp distinction between ego and “void”, or you can make all kinds of layers out of the ego. But what purpose do those distinctions serve? And what is the actual nature of the “onion” itself? That’s what I’m trying to see through to, I guess.
Comment by Ian — April 22, 2009 @ 1:36 pm
Well, I am just saying don’t be so hard on yourself. I think it would be more useful to see the value of your personality on a deeper level than to think of the whole thing as a delusion to be gotten rid off.
God chose to be “you” for some reason. So that means you have value as an individual. That’s the way I look at it anyway.
Comment by Ted — April 22, 2009 @ 2:54 pm
What is delusion, I want to get rid of. What is truly there, I want to embrace. I am embarrassed to find that I do not know the difference…
Comment by Ian — April 22, 2009 @ 2:57 pm
Well, if you are clipping your finger nails, you know you cut down to far when it starts to hurt.
Comment by Ted — April 22, 2009 @ 3:28 pm
Nicely said. thanks Ted.
Comment by Ian — April 22, 2009 @ 3:36 pm
No problem, buddy!
I was looking for a clip from “Dharma Overground” a three part series called “Doing it vs. Getting it done” Dan Ingrham was talking near the end about his motivations. His motivations were dark mostly! He doesn’t think it matters. He said you need motivation and you need the energy from the shadow end of the perspective to get there. Or I don’t know if you need it but you can definately use it.
Comment by Ted — April 22, 2009 @ 3:44 pm
Do you mean this?
http://dharmaoverground.wetpaint.com/page/Hurricane+Ranch+09+-+Dharma+Discussion?t=anon
I have all three on my iPod and have been saving them for the 3 hour bus ride up to the monastery. :)
But if you’re talking about something else, could you send me a link? I’m slowly getting my feet wet over at DhO but I’ve had an easier time browsing than I have searching for anything specific…
Comment by Ian — April 23, 2009 @ 7:40 am
Yeah, that’s exactly it!
Comment by Ted — April 23, 2009 @ 12:09 pm